PISCES

A rare but annoying condition strikes and leaves you speaking only in metaphors. A few family members and one friend will give up speaking to you entirely, which makes the whole thing almost worth it. You will toy with the idea of going into politics but the condition does not include excessive hyperbole.

ARIES

You always thought you’d be dead before 2010. You won’t be. You will receive a gift that is haunted by the spirit of a pirate. You begin to wear an eye patch and buy a parrot.

TAURUS

You find someone who looks exactly like you in Facebook. You think it would be fun to get in touch. Don’t, or chaos and mayhem will ensue. You’ll also get called on the carpet at work for inappropriate use of a computer.

GEMINI

Your expansive and social nature comes to the forefront under the influence of Mercury. You need to stop going out to eat and drink with poor tippers. Once you do, a bartender will name a drink after you.

CANCER

This is the year you fi nally get organized. NOT! In fact your usual disorganization is turning into pathological hoarding and your stuff is crowding you out of your place. You contemplate hiring a professional organizer but it would probably be cheaper to just burn down the joint.

LEO

You will win at least one argument a week for the next two months. Jupiter in conjunction with Neptune will make celebrations problematic. Don’t kiss any strangers, especially not strange animals. Avoid potato chips and doing backflips.

VIRGO

While shopping you will find that clerks give you too much change. This is Saturn’s influence, and you don’t have to give the change back but would be wise to remember that every action has a reaction in the karmic world. So go ahead and keep the change but understand that your chances of needing a new transmission or tossing your cookies at a company dinner are greatly increased.

LIBRA

All things electrical and electronic continue to be problematic for you due to Mercury’s influence. Avoid using the microwave after the 17th. You will press “reply all” by mistake on a very embarrassing and damning email. On the plus side you will gain psychic powers.

SCORPIO

Mars rules your heart this month and you will argue at length with anyone with a mustache, including a great aunt who never liked you anyway. Mars also provides you with lots of energy and, exhibitionist that you are, you will dance on the table at holiday celebrations. It would be wise to forgo the leopard printed underwear.

SAGITTARIUS

While watching “Jeopardy” this month you will get every single question right. This gives you an unprecedented boost to your self-esteem. A gift you receive will start you on the path to an entirely new career. I am not sure this is a good thing since your friends are known for their joke gifts.

Capricorn

If you get the same advice from three people you need to take it seriously. If you get the same advice from five people you need to thoroughly check your house for bugging devices. Most fruit, but not pineapples, will bring you luck all winter.

AQUARIUS

You will be wise to find out where all the hidden cameras are in town or the police will be greatly amused at viewing videos of you dancing down the street singing show tunes after a holiday party.