PISCES—Avoid orange parachutes; they will bring you very bad luck. In fact, you’d better avoid all parachutes, so don’t jump out of any planes. Chew more gum, but nothing orange. You will get a lot of dead bugs on your windshield driving at night.

ARIES—If you are a contract killer, you will kill the wrong target this month and cause yourself endless complications. If you are not a contract killer, the wasp you will swat will not be the one that stings you. You anger the wasp god and have to dodge the buggers all summer.

TAURUS—Your first planting was killed by frost, the second will rot from excessive rain, and the third will wither in a drought. Save yourself a lot of trouble and buy your vegetables at the farmer’s market. You are destined to meet someone there who will be very important in your life.

GEMINI —You will lose many nights of sleep worrying about the environmental impact of the Marcellus Shale projects in the area. In desperation you will turn to alcohol and drugs. Then you will get a job with Halliburton doing the cement work for the gas wells. God help us all.

CANCER—You will have a most exciting dinner party when your cat steps on the sticky mousetrap and runs up the wall and across the ceiling, howling. You could get rid of the mousetraps now, or just keep your video camera handy. There might be an America’s Funniest Home Videos prize in your future.

LEO—You will find yourself inexplicably talking in a Hindi accent and craving paneer and pappadum. You say this out loud and a neighbor thinks you are insulting his father. Interesting times are ahead. Wear a helmet.

VIRGO—You need to cancel the vacation to the Cajun Riviera, now. You might think about a mountain vacation. Stock up on shrimp. You can discourage those who try to camp too close by playing the banjo and singing country songs from the 1940s.

LIBRA—Your car is a target for suicidal deer, so avoiding driving on even-numbered state roads after 8:30 p.m. For some reason deer hate heavy metal, so if you have to travel at night, blast Slayer at top volume and keep the windows open. But then you will be a target for the police and renegade Tea Party fanatics.

SCORPIO—Your favorite spot at the creek will be overrun by noisy, annoying kids, as most of the local swimming pools will be closed. You move upstream and run into a nest of snakes. You will spend the summer on a Slip ’n’ Slide, in your yard.

SAGITTARIUS—Your tenuous grip on reality is about to fail. Saturn and Pluto conspire to convince you that the Russian Mafia have hidden stolen diamonds in your neighbor’s gravel driveway. You will spend many summer nights transporting buckets of gravel to your basement, and your neighbor will be very perplexed.

CAPRICORN—Something is building a nest in your eaves. I hope for your sake it’s a bird. Avoid drinking anything blue, especially on vacation. Learn to skip backwards; it will come in handy after the 30th.

AQUARIUS—You will spend the next two months cursing the idiot who brought English ivy to these shores. The neighbors will overhear you and hire a shaman to put a curse on you. You will get a bad case of poison ivy but will develop the ability to talk to ducks, which makes the whole thing worth it.