I’ve been thinking about the Apocalypse lately. Is it me, or have things in the world not exactly been going well? There’s the volcano erupting in Iceland, the Times Square bomb plot, oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico, and earthquakes pretty much everywhere. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize that things have gone a bit haywire. Actually, you just have to turn on Larry King. Forget rocket science—you don’t even need opposable thumbs for this. My cat could do it, if the remote were lying in an easily accessible position. I’ll explain. A couple of weeks ago, the legendary television journalist held a panel to discuss what was, presumably, world news. It was also quite possibly a commentary on the media today. Stephen Hawking had just declared that, should aliens ever descend upon our increasingly less-fair planet, they’d probably be hostile. Everyone—and by everyone I mean a disproportionate minority of news media—was talking about it, aflutter with the thought. To me, the proclamation seemed strangely rote. “Honestly, Hawking,” I thought, “tell me something I don’t know. I realize you’re busy being a genius and all that, but don’t you ever watch movies? Aliens are always the ultimate genocidal maniacs!” The esteemed brainiac also said our nefarious invaders would probably have eyes and legs, but that didn’t impress me either— as I said, about three hundred Hollywood screenwriters already beat him to the punch. Independence Day? Men in Black? District 9? The X-Files? All had aliens deemed hostile, and just about all of those aliens had eyes and legs. Now, just because a scientist says it, it’s suddenly true? As a fiction writer, a sculptor of the clay that is imagination, I feel a bit usurped. I wonder if this is how creationists feel about evolution. Hawking added that the aliens would, in all likelihood, be after our natural resources. This was really confusing to me, because I always thought they’d be drawn to our winsome personalities. For a rocket scientist, Hawking sure caused a ruckus. So, naturally, King—who, because of his age and disproportionate preservation, has often been rumored to be an alien himself—brought a panel of experts onto his show to discuss the matter. It’s what journalists do. The panel included physicist Michio Kaku, astronomer David Brin, senior SETI astronomer Seth Shostak, and Dan Aykroyd. At least one “Conehead” got the message in Hollywood, and a benevolent one at that. King peppered them with questions. “How seriously does the U.S. take the alien threat?” he asked, his gravelly voice a typical mix of both wariness and fascination. “Does the United States have an official policy in regard to aliens?” I perked up. “I know, I know!” I shrieked, thrusting my hand in the air like the over-eager third-grader I am. But King didn’t call on me. The experts presumably said helpful things, but none of them said the obvious. I just had a simple question, one that would solve everything. “Larry,” I wanted to ask, “have you considered checking with Arizona?” Larry would stare at me then, realization dawning on his face as I ’d continue, quite smugly, “After all, given its recent foray into, uh, illegal ‘alien’ relations, the state should have some answers. And if ever a state needs a comeback, it’s Arizona! Give it a shot!” True, we all now look at Arizona sadly and shake our heads, and regard it as we would a rejected uncle at the family reunion. You know—the one who nobody wants to admit actually could lay claim to the clan’s estate. All we can do is send him dirty looks from the other end of the table, because actually disowning him would just be so much paperwork. That’s Arizona! Plus, one day we might need their solar power. And we all know you can’t cut ties with just anyone when energy is involved. But getting back to the extraterrestrials, Aykroyd was on my side. He, too, believes we should get hostile with the hostiles. The comedian not only believes alien life exists but also believes that said creatures should be arrested. After all, by abducting our fellow Earthlings, they are breaking the law. Granted, mass arrests would be a trifling effort if the ETs were truly hell-bent on mass destruction. And there is the problem of location. Where would we send these new-found felons? Would we try them in Manhattan, send them to Gitmo or “District 9,” or simply deport them? Regardless, it’s gonna be a drain on the economy. But all of this could be for naught. Kaku, an esteemed physicist, weighed in with a different argument. He thinks the aliens would be benevolent, which is just no fun at all. Let’s ignore the audacity of his disagreeing with Hawking the Scientist King, and how Kaku’s own general arguments hint that his political sensibilities are terribly lily-livered.His is also an idea based on reason. Perish the thought! Kaku believes that, if the aliens have had millions or billions of years to develop and advance beyond our wildest dreams, they’ve also had time to work out their problems. I ’m not sure if that’s officially Rousseauian or if he’s just waxing Pollyannish. But clearly, if he’s right, the aliens are not human. I guess that goes without saying. And that’s probably a good thing. After all, we humans are perfectly capable of accomplishing our own sorts of destruction. Yes, we have plenty of evidence right here, right now, but look at our take on the greater universe beyond. Larry King? Dan Aykroyd? Not Fox Mulder? (Seriously— doesn’t David Duchovny need the work?) No, given the way things have been going, when it comes to facilitating the Apocalypse, I ’m not convinced we need any help at all.



C.A. Keller is a freelance writer and a part-time barista. She isn’t sure if aliens exists, but is willing to stick with Dan Aykroyd, Fox Mulder and Steven Spielberg, as long as they stay entertaining.